Sunday, April 14, 2013

My Journey with Mom

I arrived in California late Wednesday night after a long trip.  For some reason the long haul just took forever and then I had an unexpected 3 hour delay in Dallas.  It was good to get home, even though it was after 11.00 pm on the west coast, 8.00 a.m. the next day on my body clock.  My mom was in good spirits.  I was looking forward to a shower and a good night of sleep which did ensue.  The weekend has been good and hard.  After being here for one day, it was obvious that my decision to come was the right one.  Whatever moments of rally my mom has left in her are short-lived and even her best days are just not very good anymore.  The pain of the cancer has created a scenario where my mom is now forced to live in a morphine induced state which is obviously quite mind altering.  She is still the same sweet, caring person that has always shaped her life but now she is also struggling with the side effects of the morphine which is most profoundly manifesting in chatter about some things real, other things imagined.  She is frail.  She is not eating much at all.  Her mouth has broken out with thrush-like symptoms so there is much pain in eating and drinking.  Not a good thing for someone who is already struggling to eat and drink anything at all.  She is sometimes frustrated that her choices are now quite limited.  She is still getting out of bed each day and, assisted by a walker and either myself or my father, manages to make her way out to the living room where she spends the entire day in her comfortable recliner, watching TV with us, attempting to eat something, sometimes lost in a world that isn't entirely connected to reality. She has a hard time walking later in the day so just getting her from the living room to the bathroom to the bed is quite a challenge.  The walker she uses has a seat as well but getting up and down is also quite a challenge.   Moving her is increasingly hard for my father and I wonder how these next weeks will continue to unfold.
I am so thankful that I listened to my initial instincts to come.  I am able to manage the cooking and the shopping, be present when my dad needs to get out to run errands, and help with getting mom from one room to another.
At this point, it is sweet to sit with her, to encourage her, to try to help her separate fantasy from reality, to assist my father and to simply be present for this part of this long journey.  I am praying for mercy to enfold my mom at this point.  This is not the way she wants to live.  Vibrancy has always been a hallmark of how my mother lived and so to see her struggle through each day without this is tough.  Even so, her joy, her sweet spirit, her laughter, her concern for others, it's all still there and manifesting in small ways.
It is 4.00 a.m. in California as I write this.  The combination of my mom's frail condition and jet lag have me awake with concern.  I am not worried or panicked or even overwhelmed by sadness at this point.  Mostly I just want my mom to feel free to let go of this amazing life that she has lived and go to her eternal rest where God and anyone else who has known her will proclaim with great enthusiasm, well done my good and faithful servant.  Until that day arrives however I am very glad to be here to walk beside both her and my father as we seek to embrace each new day that we're given together.

10 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your very poignant thoughts on this journey. Sending lots of love from Stockholm...

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  2. Dear sweet Jodi. Thoughts and prayers in these difficult times knowing that our merciful and loving God is with you and my courageous and loving Aunt Roseann. Love you dear.
    Mary Jill

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  3. Praying for profound peace for every step on this journey for you all! The LORD Himself goes before you...
    Elizabeth

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  4. I remember your mom as such a sweet and funny person, full of energy and spunk, a woman of vision. There are so many she loves on the other side already, women of great faith from when we knew one another years ago... Jinx Robbins, Joan Nelson, my own mom... And while saying goodbye is so painful now we look forward to that great reunion day ahead.
    Praying for your family. May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit in a very tangible way today and in the days ahead.

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  5. Dearest Jodi,
    I understand everything you are going though.
    I am sending you my favorit poem that always gives me strenght to face these difficulties...

    My Life is but a weaving
    between my Lord and me;
    I cannot choose the colors
    He worketh steadily.

    Oft times He weaveth sorrow
    And I, in foolish pride,
    Forget He sees the upper,
    And I the under side.

    Not til the loom is silent
    And the shuttles cease to fly,
    Shall God unroll the canvas
    And explain the reason why.

    The dark threads are as needful
    In the Weaver's skillful hand,
    As the threads of gold and silver
    In the pattern He has planned.

    Much love
    Elisabeth

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  6. I think of my special friends often and keep them in my prayers

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  7. Jodi,

    It's so hard, and yet such a blessing to follow this journey with you and your family.

    I remember well and am still deeply grateful for the kindness and grace that you and Doug extended to me after my Dad's passing.

    I know you are aware that your network of support and prayer extends around the globe, and transcends the passing of years or the distance of geography. Please know that Julie and I count ourselves in that number and will be praying earnestly for peace and comfort for you all in the coming days.

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  8. Oh, Jodi, I'm so thankful that you are with your Mom and Dad during this time of transition and change. I know that you are such a source of love and comfort for them.
    I can barely write as my eyes are clouded with tears. (They are for me, of course.) Your Mom has fought a good fight, and God has blessed her efforts. I'm now thinking about her next journey, the ultimate adventure, and the spectacular reunions which await her. Can you imagine? She will be at home with her Lord and with all who have gone before her. Out in front of those running to welcome her will be Bill and her Mom! I hope it will also include my Damon.
    My prayers are with you all as you rest in the Lord and with each other. Please
    give your Mom all my love and appreciation for the friendship she so lovingly extended to me for so many years.
    I want to share this quote with you. It's written by William Penn (1644-1718)
    "We give back to you, O God, those whom you gave to us. You did not lose them when you gave them to us, and we do not lose them by their return to you"

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  9. Dear Jodi, Please know that you and Doug, your mom and dad are on my heart and in my prayers during this time.

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  10. Hi Jodi,
    I am praying for your mom, dad and you. I know what you are going through, unfortunately. I have great memories of your mom at the Foothill football games...she'd always give a big whoot, whoot and loved cheering on the boys of fall.
    I know my mom was so happy that they had stayed in touch over the years. Not only did they share a special bond with husbands that coached football, but they shared a lot over ovarian cancer too.
    Give your mom a big hug from the Salerno family. Love to you and your Dad during this difficult time.

    Christina Salerno

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